Good Faith

walking in paris

2010-05-31T21:37:00.003-06:00

a brief note about the picture in my blog title-
it was taken while walking through the Jardin des Tuileries in Paris.
in 2005, i had the amazing opportunity to attend World Youth Day in Cologne, Germany. my group went early and visited Paris for a few days.
(this trip had a huge impact on my life, religiously and otherwise, but i don't want to go into that now.)
we were walking through the park when we stopped and noticed all the footprints in the sand of people who had also walked through the park. we took a picture.
last summer when my husband and i were in Paris, i made sure to take him to the park to show him the footprints.

they are meaningful in some way, even if i can't quite grasp it.

don't worry

2010-05-23T12:24:00.001-06:00

i'm alive and well. i swear.

conclusion of three years.

2008-12-03T12:37:00.003-06:00

people of the Christian Reformed faith are missing something. sometimes it makes me frustrated and angry.
but right now, it just makes me sad.

the best thing ever

2008-05-05T20:24:00.001-06:00

So for anyone who hasn't heard, Jacob and I are engaged [insert girlyfreakoutdanceandsqueal here]

Excited? Oh I'm wayyyy more than that.

We've started a joint blog to keep people updated and all that fun stuff. There aren't any posts yet, but here's the link http://jacobpiper.blogspot.com/

Here's what Jacob says about it. He does a better job than me... http://walawalawop.blogspot.com/2008/05/engagement.html

....yay!!!!!!!!!!!!

untitiled

2008-03-31T18:54:00.004-06:00

1
have you ever have one of those "God moments?" ...those times when it is so obvious God is present because you can feel Him so strongly. or when a strange series of events happens that is so complex there is no way it could all be coincidence.

i had one of those moments last night. a strange convergence of past, present, and future all happening at once... something wonderful made a jillion times more wonderful by an act of God. so much peace and closure and excitement and celebration and pure joy. very unexpected but very welcome. i could never have even dreamed of something that amazing.

the icing on the cake. it's the little things God does... those tiny extra details that are just enough to make a good situation even better. He knows what makes us joyful.. even more than we know. the "icing" last night would have never occurred to me... i never would have thought "oh! that would make this moment ten times better!" but He knew it would, and He gave me that special gift last night. it's those moments of joy and the little things that make it easy to say "i know God and He loves me" and truly believe it.

it was one of the most awesome moments of my life thus far.

2
God puts certain people in our lives to be there at the exact time we need them. it's strange to think about... have all these years led up to this era of our lives? is this the moment where it all starts to make sense? when all is made right? all the things we've been through together and apart.. is this why God brought us together as friends so long ago?

it's becoming like a puzzle that is almost complete. the pieces are finally fitting together. not in the sense that something is being made clear, but more like a sense of contentment... a friendship is finally becoming what it was always meant to be. the slight constant unsettling feeling is barely present. we are no longer broken and grasping.

we are blossoming.

welcome spring.

it's super late...

2008-03-28T00:37:00.002-06:00

...so i'll make this super short.

for anyone who cares, I will be the Wellspring Coordinator next year. I am super super excited!!!!!!!!!

...and super super scared.

I'll expand more on my thoughts later. But for now, it's bedtime. I'm super tired.

when i got back to my room i had a great surprise in my inbox

2008-03-06T23:38:00.001-06:00

Piper,
Here is my idea for wellspring on Sunday night...stations of the cross.
I found a site that has some alternate stations done by Pope John Paul II...based on scripture readings.
Want to take part? Lead some of the readings?
Prof. Lief

I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what God said today

2008-02-28T18:58:00.005-06:00

Would you be willing to pray in chapel next Thursday, the 28th? Sister Maureen Fenlon will be the speaker. I don't want to tell you want to pray for, but was thinking, with your background, you could pray for the universal church, as a body of believers. If you're not comfortable, or don't want to, that is fine. Just let me know either way.

so i did. it really shouldn't have been a big deal.. i've prayed and sung in chapel a couple times before. but for some reason, i was really really nervous about this.

i got to chapel today and i saw her--sister maureen--and i about broke down in tears. it was so weird! i've been doing fine lately.. no struggles with being catholic at dordt (besides the usual.) but when i saw her, my initial reaction was to give and receive the biggest hug ever and cry and cry in her arms.

-this is piper, the catholic on dordt's campus.
-oh my! there is one! well, you look like one.
i loved her immediately.

and she started asking questions and i started talking and other people started walking away because they could see that to us there was no one else in the room at that moment. and she asked me questions of the heart... deep things that i havent been able to explain to anyone in the same way before.

because i have never seen another catholic on dordt's campus. it's one thing to go to church on sunday and worship with people of my same faith. it's a totally different thing for ME to be AT DORDT and talk with a person of my same faith. at DORDT.

we sat by each other. and she didn't know the first two hymns. i remember when i didn't know them last year... but today i found myself able to sing them from memory. then it was time to pray. i went up with professor lief. i was so nervous... i guess it was because i was actually asked to pray for something that is a constant struggle for me every single day on a very personal level... more than most people understand. i was afraid i would accidentally say something offensive toward the reformed church or dordt values. i was afraid i would say something i really truley felt in my heart and i would just start ranting and never stop. i was afraid i would break down and cry.

so i'm on stage, and i look at professor lief, and he whispers, "you start" and smiles. and another weird thing happened-- i wasn't so afraid anymore. i wasn't the only one praying... i wasn't the only one on the stage who supported the catholic church and strives for christian unity... lief was there with me. i started to pray and i kept it really short.. maybe too short. then lief prayed and it was the most wonderful prayer i have heard in a while. he said everything i wanted to say but didnt... and he went on for what seemed like forever. a lot of the struggles and wishes of my heart came out of his mouth. and my fear came true... i started to cry. then it was over.

after sister maureen spoke, we sang another hymn. and it was a catholic tune!! the words were different... but same melody. sister maureen looked at me and had a huge smile. "now, i KNOW this one!" i got so excited when she got excited. there are so many times we sing (chapel, CRC church, gift....) and every once in a while there will be a catholic hymn tune. and i always get so excited. this time i could actually share in my excitement.

i guess i never realized how wonderful it is to share emotion. just plain raw emotion... excitment, frustration. and share understanding. sure, people say "it must be hard to be here" but they don't really know what it's like. today, there WAS someone who knows what it's like... more so than others.

after chapel, lief asked me, "why didn't you cross yourself when you prayed? i was expecting it." i said, "i usually don't when i pray in front of people here.. i don't want to be offensive." he told me that was silly... people shouldn't get offended by a symbol of christ. and he was totally right. this moment was so encouraging to me. i will cross myself next time.. and i will not be ashamed.

sister maureen and i hugged. she was wearing purple and a crucifix around her neck.

as i was walking out, she said "keep it up. you're such a voice. we need you here."

it reminded me of the time tony compollo was here and i spoke with him. i told him i am catholic and he said "don't let [dordt] put you in the box. scream, kick, and fight your way out, whatever you do." he understands and he isn't catholic.

sister maureen said "we." as in "the catholic church." they NEED me here. God spoke to me through sister maureen today. this may be totally wrong: sometimes i feel like I am a missionary of sorts. there are all these people at dordt that have horribly wrong views of catholics and the catholic church. and a lot of people here have never questioned their faith. i find that very very sad. being catholic, i have automatically been put in a position where people are pretty much forced to talk theology with me. without even trying, i make them think about their faith. i help them to a better understanding of the catholic church. it's hard work... i have to represent an entire faith. sister maureen understood that today. and i think she understands my "mission work."

it's so discouraging most of the time.

but every once in a while, God talks to me about it. in prayer. in dreams. and sometimes i am especially lucky because God gives me something even more special... something actually physical that is encouraging.
the silent retreat.
tony compollo.
professor lief.
sister maureen.

sometimes i wonder why i am here.. (though alvin's mother has her own wonderful opinion.. seriously.) why did God bring me here? people ask me all the time "how did you end up at dordt?" and i feel silly to say "well... God told me to."

...but He did. of this i am positive. and i will continue to do His work here until i am called to another place or era of my life.

you're such a voice. we need you here.

morning

2007-12-05T18:48:00.001-06:00

i saw someone today who was very very deep in prayer. and i know that this person does not seem to live a Christian life.... tons of horrible choices that affect himself and those around him in very negative and dangerous ways.

yet watching him pray was amazing. i could feel the power of this guy's prayer from across the room and i couldn't take my eyes off him. he was so in it... in that place where the world is gone and you forget your hands and your body and your thoughts and you dont know where you are but that doesnt matter because all that exists is that single moment when you are fully right with God.

it was beautiful.

i love when you wake up in the morning and have "brilliant" ideas.

2007-11-30T08:12:00.000-06:00

i just woke up so none of this may make any sense and i might change my mind about what i'm thinking but we talked about this last night and i just had some new thoughts. again.. i may read this when i'm awake and change my mind.

THE SET UP
*joel said that he believes Jesus' death was not sufficient and efficient for all... it's only sufficient and efficient for the elect. and that God does not love everyone... that's why he sends people to hell. Joel says God is just and merciful.. and justice is sending some people to hell.

*kenny said that Jesus' death WAS the justice and God could save everyone if He wanted to... and it's a struggle to understand why He doesnt.

*i argue that God does love every one and he does not send people to hell. free will and all.. but i wont get in to that (differences between faiths) right now.

MY POINT
*a father can punish His children but still love them. God created EVERY person in His image, out of His perfect love.... He can still love those who go to hell and He may not want those people to go there (or to send them there or whatever) but He allows the sinners to go there because He IS just. but He also IS love. so He punishes people out of that love... could it be people go to hell because God loves them?

*and to say Jesus' death was not SUFFICIENT for every one is taking away from who God is... it's like saying God didn't have the power to save every one, so He didn't.
and I think it totally takes away from the great sacrifice Christ made for THE WORLD. to me, it doesn't really mean the same thing if Christ died for only a few people... that would show that God hates certain people.

*people say the Catholic church's view on sin...purgatory, confession, penance... take away from what God did... it's like saying Jesus' death wasn't good enough. BUT saying that His death was not sufficient is blatantly saying that same thing

*sufficient means "as much as is needed" and "competent, qualified" and synonyms are "adequate and enough." so what type of sufficient was joel talking about? either way, it's still saying that His death was not enough. which is what joel was arguing. but again.... that totally takes away from God and the death on the cross.

*which Joel was arguing that God hates those He doesn't save because He sends them to hell.. and how can you let someone you love experience so much pain. i don't see how a God who is love and creates out of love can even think about creating a person He hates. it makes no sense... life is a gift to us from God out of His love.

*and the original words for "hell" in the Bible are different.... there are different words for it. i havent contemplated this fact yet but i may someday.

*we were trting to figure out what the point of arguing that Christ's death was sufficient but not efficient... Joel said it was like an empty act.. "my son died for you.. but you're going to hell anyway! *smile*" so why does it matter that it was sufficient if it isn't efficient?

*it IS important to know that the cross was sufficient for all... because it shows the importance and magnitude of what Jesus did for us... and the love God has for us because He sent His son for THE WORLD. it reveals the character of the Lord.

okay those are some random thoughts and i've been writing for 40 minutes so i need to stop. i think God knows that your brain is all squishy and warm when you first wake up, so He chooses that time to put amazing thoughts in your head... because they hopefully will stick. if he waited until later in the day, our brains have been in the elements and are dry and hardened...it's like putting glitter or beads into clay.. it's way more difficult to do when the clay is hard. my brain feels like cookie dough this morning. and now i have chocolate chips for it.

Catholic TULIP

2007-11-29T22:09:00.000-06:00

an article matt directed me to a while back. i remembered it after reading kenny's latest post and thought it was good enough for it's own post.

http://www.catholic.com/thisrock/1993/9309fea1.asp

revelation

2007-11-19T09:27:00.001-06:00

the silent retreat was this weekend. the place was owned by creighton university. this was a trip for ME and it might seem selfish, but i am totally convinced God put us at that place for ME. this was the one time since being at dordt that I got to be totally comfortable and everyone else was uncomfortable. it was the one time since being at dordt that i didn't feel diseased or wrong for believing what i do. i am NOT diseased. i am NOT wrong. i am NOT the only one. and i will NOT let dordt make me feel that way again.
i will make the sign of the cross and pray on my knees or prostrate on the ground if i want to.
i will pray the stations of the cross if i feel moved to.
i will gaze at a statue of mary and thank her for giving birth to my Lord.
i will kneel before the crucifix in the middle of the woods where the sunlight dances through the trees and the birds sing and i will weep for forgiveness of myself and the world.
i will hold the crucifix and be silent and let God overtake me mentally and physically until i can feel him in every molecule and atom of my body.

i am proud of who i am and what i believe.

i had my own room with a bed and a desk and a sink and a dresser and a chair and ceiling to floor windows overlooking the woods and there was a crucifix on my wall.

there was a glorious crucifix on my wall.

i am happy

2007-11-06T09:45:00.000-06:00

i'm okay.

i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay.
i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay.
i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay.
i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay.
i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay.
i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay.
i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay.
i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay.
i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay.
i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay.i'm not okay.i'm okay.
i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay.
i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay.
i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay.
i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay.

::::::smile:laugh:giggle::::::

so it begins

2007-09-13T17:24:00.000-06:00

It's harder this year.

It's harder to be a Catholic at Dordt this year than it was last year. That seems so backward!!!! it's tiring and frustrating. I have some thoughts but i don't really feel like thinking about this anymore because a bunch of us went stargazing last night and it was amazing and we couldn't find the house constellation that he made up but i found the northern cross. and God was everywhere

jander took me on a motorcycle ride yesterday. i realized he has never come to church with me. i think he is one of my only friends who has never asked to go with me. i think i will invite him in a couple weeks. he means a lot to me.

i am super super super excited because on the 23rd i am going to a day-long catholic conference to learn about the eucharist and its role in our everyday lives. and what makes me even more excited is that alvin and jacob and probably kenny are going to come with me!!! i can't even express how cool that is and how much it means to me. awesome.

me and jacob have been going to church together regularly. (if "regularly" means the three weeks we've been back). one week we went to my church and then to his church right after. i didn't get tired or bored at all. and it was so wonderful....this sort of balance...a sense of completeness? fulfilling? i can't explain it. but i really really enjoyed that day. it was good.

i love God. this week started really hard. but the past couple days, trusting him is super easy.

it's late and i'm tired and this prolly isn't coherent

2007-09-06T23:20:00.000-06:00

God is testing me.

Two important (impacting?ful?) situations have come up in the past 24 hours that have been difficult for me to handle. two people are having life-changing problems. it's hard for me. and they aren't even my problems.

i need to get past my own bitterness of these two different people. why? because they both came to me for help. advice. prayer.

one of these problems is especially hard for me. it's difficult for me to look past my presumptuous feelings. this situation is new. different. not necessarily like the last one. history doesn't always repeat itself.

i think her feelings are genuine.

this is definitely a situation i can not deal with on my own. because i don't want to deal with it. because of my bitterness.

but she wants help. i need to forgive. and the only way this is gonna happen.. i need God to work through me. because it's hard for me to want to help. but
God obviously wants me to. so i will be a vessel.

can i get past my own selfish thoughts for the betterment of other people? who i am angry with? i hope so.

and the fact that two very similar issues have come up in this small amount of time.... well, i'm pretty sure God is trying to teach me something.

so i'm gonna learn.

late-night prayer

2007-08-24T23:41:00.001-06:00

some residents arrived tonight. the rest are coming tomorrow. i am responsible for these girls....i hope i don't screw them up. God, give me strength.

tears

2007-08-02T10:27:00.001-06:00

*i'm kind of freaking out about the bridge collapse in minneapolis. i know a lot of people that live in the downtown area... and they are people that i have lost contact with and really have no way to find. i was able to get a hold of two of my friends that i have been fortunate enough to keep contact with over the years... they are both okay. but i am also wondering about my friends' friends that i met once. and their families. this whole thing is a scary and awkward situation... calling people i havent talked to in a long time (including one person who i'm pretty sure has been trying to slowly drop me out of his life) to see if they are alive. "i know i haven't called since 8 months ago, and i know you have gone through this whole 'life change' and you pretty much want nothing to do with me, but i heard about the bridge collapse and i wanted to know if you are still alive?" "yeah i'm fine." long silence. click.
yeah... awkward.
i really hope everyone else is okay.

*so a couple posts ago i wrote about how scared and overwhelmed i am feeling. well... God is wonderful. the past few days, i have been feeling absolutely fantastic. for some reason, my burden has been lifted. i was really struggling with giving my problems up to God... but a couple days ago, it was ridiculously easy to do. and now i feel a bajillion times better. and i think i have overcome my biggest obstacle...i finally feel strong enough to do what i will probably need to do... no matter how much i don't want to. i'm sure my bad feelings will come back in time (HOPEFULLY NOT!) but for now, i am on cloud nine. and my excitement to start school is stronger than ever!! prayer is an amazing thing.

those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.

people are STUPID

2007-08-01T18:31:00.001-06:00

...yup. that's pretty much how i feel.

i got very angry on the des moines register blog today. i didn't mean to.... but people were saying things that were [surprisingly] upsetting to me. i started writing a response.... and i just kept going and going and... well it might have gotten a little out of hand. i dunno... i do feel a LOT better. at the expense of a few put-downs. but SERIOUSLY!! people are SOOO IGNORANT! they read the SHITTY media coverage about the pope's recent decrees and they actually believe it. and people were being downright MEAN.

i think the ignorance is what set me off. that, and the fact that everyone was saying that the catholic church needs to be 'tolerant.' what stupidity!!!!

i prolly said some things i didn't mean. oh well. i was angry. i am angry. anyway, if y'all wanna read the post and comment yourself, here's the link

my good friend joel (who is CRC) also wrote about it. his post was VERY AWESOME! here's that link

enough for today.

i'm back. and overwhelmed.

2007-07-29T20:47:00.000-06:00

*i'm really really sorry i havent posted in a loooooong time. this past month was extremely busy and very very rewarding. so now i am back... don't know how much i will be able to post for the next couple weeks... i will be busy trying to spend time with friends and family before i leave again for good ole dordt.

*i am very excited to get back to school... see all my friends, start classes again, live the dorm life. this year, i am blessed beyond measure because i have the privilege of being a resident assistant.

*on that note, i commend the dordt resident life staff. they saw past the denomination and chose me as an RA because of my genuine characteristics. awesome.

****this gets kind of whine-ish. just warning.

*subject change--- besides being excited about going back... i am also scared out of my mind. am i ready? have i researched enough? do i feel prepared? i sound/feel like i am describing going into war... that is sad.

*look at it from my perspective-- starting college is very hard... new elements, finding out who you are... it's a huge change and a difficult time. now throw in what i will call the 'dordt factor'-- kids (and adults) who have gone to reformed schools their whole lives, who dont know much about the real world, who chose to live in a town with walls like a fortress. and add people questioning and challenging everything you have ever known and believed. and i wasn't expecting ANY of it.

*all of that together made for a very VERY difficult year. and it hasn't gone away. and i realize it will NEVER go away. i am not complaining. i am not looking for sympathy.

*my rant-- going to college means learning how to be an adult... you learn to make adult decisions. i feel like (because of my faith and decisions i have made in my college life) i am having/have had to make some VERY adult decisions and contemplate some adult situations that most people don't even consider until they are... well... an adult. though i will be 20 in october, i am NOT anywhere near being 'adult.' in fact... the deeper i get into this, the less adult i feel and the more i want to cry and run to my mommy. literally.

*i know it's my choices that have led me to this (going to dordt was one choice.... though it really wasn't mine... story for another time). but i am feeling very very overwhelmed. and it is scary b/c PART of what i am feeling (among MANY other things), i havent felt since february.

*part of me is wondering if i should have just gone to the Art Institutes instead.. and that same part of me is also seriously considering transferring.

*there is something intriguing about starting over... starting fresh. new people, new classes, new place. a place where, yeah... they hate christians. but at least there i will be "persecuted" for being a christian and not for being catholic. because they don't see a difference.

****end note-- the majority of dordt students have been very(!!!!) kind about the differences in protestant/catholic beliefs... even curious, to my delight! however, it still puts a ton of pressure on me and becomes very tiring when i am expected to represent the entire catholic church.. and i will never know everything about it! (and to answer questions every day... i love talking about it, but it just gets plain tiring) though most students have never(!) said snide remarks concerning my faith to purposely hurt me.. (there is a lot of joking but that is more than fine with me! i enjoy it), some things that are said are still 'accidentally' hurtful. even if it isnt directed at me. and it is hard. (i don't think i am doing a very good job of explaining what i mean, so i will stop there. just know i am not trying to slam dordt students. and i used "persecuted" for want of a better word.)

i want answers and i want them NOW accusitory finger pointed at Calvin

2007-06-13T11:02:00.000-06:00

*0kay so here i go....

*i do not know all the details of CRC or RCC believes about this next subject... though i think i have a basic idea. yes, there are a lot of differences between these faiths. and i can accept most of them.

*BUT.....i am still having a really really hard time accepting and understanding the calvinist view of election/predestination. i simply can NOT understand why God (who IS LOVE) would purposely create a human (who is made in HIS IMAGE) that He knows is going to hell and will never live and enjoy His presence in eternity. it makes absolutely NO SENSE!!!!

*however.... in a way it does make sense. because God is God. he created everything... he IS everything... he knows everything. wouldn't it make sense that he knows who will accept him and who wont?

*but what about free will??? where does that fit in????

*and EXACTLY what are the RCC beliefs when it comes to predestination/election? (i know where we stand on salvation and how to be saved.... and my knowledge leads me to believe the church is against this... am i right?)

*i am confused. it makes sense and yet it is senseless. and i need help.

*it's funny, cus at dordt the subject would come up and someone would briefly explain it to me and then push it under the rug and change the subject.... i never got into a theological/docturnal discussion about it. and i really really wanted to. but every single person i would bring it up with (and i brought it up A LOT) wouldn't want to talk about it... it's almost like they were ashamed they "believed" it.

*well.... it's time. I WANT MY DISCUSSION!!!

*and i know i am opening up a HUGE can of worms with this one.... but i want to. this all goes back to salvation and sovreignty of God and free will and everything.... and i want to know and discusss it all... cus this is really the only major MAJOR problem (as of now) that i have with the CRC. and it's kind of a big one.

*so "kutchshaaaaaaaa" i'm opening it. and i hope this can of worms is carbonated.... i wanna see it fly all over the place. it's gonna get sticky.

week/weak

2007-06-11T13:41:00.000-06:00

down
the million dollar question
"Does it f***ing matter?!?!"

up
the 7-cent-a-minute conversation
"well, i think...."

now
the priceless answer
".....?"

and frustration.

but i remember.
a new thought.
reassurance.
and love.

thank you.

beautiful

2007-06-05T11:10:00.000-06:00

-"There is a Treason at Sea" by Kevin Max Smith
(photo by me)

the bad thing about falling 20 feet face down is that you can see the ground come at you and it's only a matter of time before you....

2007-05-28T23:37:00.001-06:00

*i always argued against the Catholic church... for as long as i can remember. mostly because i didn't understand why we believed what we did... and no one could give me any answers. so i taught myself. i learned two things in the church that i love, so i decided to stay catholic... even though there were many things i disagreed with and still didn't understand. then i went to college and my whole world was totally flipped upside-down.

*at dordt i HAD to argue FOR the Catholic faith, no matter what i personally believed. i was the only outspoken representative of Catholics among people i knew. Catholics get a bad rap... i felt it was only fair to defend and speak the truth about Catholic faith as best i could, even if i did disagree with or didn't totally understand some of it. it was my job.

now, i am learning more. i had no idea dordt would be such a gigantic obstacle. i will NOT go to dordt next year unprepared.

the more i read about the Catholic faith, the more convincing it sounds.

i have found myself arguing for Catholic beliefs a lot lately. (i ranted on kenny's blog, and i won't lie... it surprised me how passionate and emotional i was getting)

and yet there are some reformed thoughts that sound really good too.

but still.... i walk into a catholic church (no matter where it is or what it is like) and i feel total peace and familiarity and comfort and goodness...... it's home.

i think i am starting to believe and agree with things i am reading

i am changing?

i am confused.

i am scared.

and i NEVER thought i would ever actually "need" anyone but God.

but right now, i think i do.

and i could be screwing up a very good thing

and that scares me even more.

::::::::landonmyfeetlandonmyfeet::::::::

thoughts that popped into my head when i woke up this morning

2007-05-24T10:50:00.000-06:00

*there is a change in the catholic church. the vestibules (which hold the body and blood) are now to be cleaned by a priest only. before, the administers of communion were allowed to clean them. this goes into effect next week. my dad was an usher this past week, and while our priest was informing the administers of communion, he had to wash the vestibules. it brought about an interesting conversation afterwards.

*my dad doesnt believe in transubstantiation. i do. he said some hurtful comments about it. he also doesn't believe in praying with mary or saints. and i'm pretty sure he doesn't like the idea of the pope/bishops being infallible (which is another misunderstanding... but i wont go in to that now). i know there is sooo much more to the catholic church than these things.... but it still gets me.

*if he doesn't believe in the eucharist (which is the CORE catholic belief) then why in the world is he catholic??? is he just too lazy to change churches??? does he even care???

*throughout junior high and high school, i argued against the catholic church as much as i possibly could. i think a lot of this had to do with the leaders in my own church at the time.... they were horrible for many reasons. there were so many times i begged my parents to let me go to the nondenominational church in a nearby town. but they were always extremely adamant about 'we have to go as a family. it's important.' even with all the bull-shit going on in our church, they never left. they never even considered going to a different church with me. so we didnt.

*now i'm older and i'm learning things about my parents and what they believe. at least, i'm trying to. (they aren't too big on having theological discussions... i'll ask questions, and usually i am ignored. not even an acknowledgement that i said anything or even exist. it's frustrating, but i deal... this is a whole nother blog topic)

*they were strict about staying in the church. so i stayed, but now i wonder..... why did they?

thoughts on the book

2007-05-21T12:54:00.001-06:00

*i finished the book. welborn especially pissed me off/confused me in one particular part of the book... but other than that, she is very convincing.

*welborn claims that a lot of church corruption and present-day hatred/confusion towards catholics is because of catholics..... they misunderstand the church's actual teaching and participate in wrong practices. i see this a lot in old people who "worship" mary and the saints. but that isn't what the church teaches at all. i've always known that but it's also a comfort to know--

--that there is biblical evidence for almost every belief in the church that the book addresses (!!)

*so people shouldn't be against the catholic church. they should be against the people who call themselves catholics but really have no idea what the real teachings are and do the wrong things.

*i'm still not saying i agree with everything in the church... this is just one book by one lady. but i am wayyy more curious now and i am def going to read more into this.

*a brief word on mary (i don't care if any of you already knew this... i didn't): john calvin believed in the perpetual virginity of mary! as did luther. and luther believed in the immaculate conception.... and here is a quote from luther's christmas sermon in 1531:
"[she is the] highest woman and noblest gem in christianity after Christ... She is nobility, wisdom, and holiness personified. we can never honor her enough. still honor and praise must be given to her in such a way as to injure neither Christ nor the scriptures." (which is exactly what the catholic church teaches)

*i will blog more on this eventually... maybe even later today

intervention

2007-05-20T15:27:00.000-06:00

*today started out horrible. seriously. times a million. i went to 'my' church... (and i've never really felt like a member there or a part of it but i dealt with it for the first 18 years of my life) and it's changed soooo much. a ton of churches around us shut down because of the lack of priests, so everyone comes to our church now. it was PACKED. tons of people i don't know. that, plus the fact that we got a new priest last summer right before i left for college... it doesn't even feel slightly familiar.

*a condescending paragraph: the priest..... well, he had a lot of good things to say, but i couldn't follow ANYTHING. his homily (or 'sermon,' for the protestant folks) had some good thoughts... but it was so jumpy and all over the place. and this wasn't the first time i couldn't understand what he was talking about. PLUS he talks like a robot. no joke. ev-er-y sy-lla-ble is pro-noun-ced. and i KNOW he adds extra syllables to some words. like 'and' is a-an-d. it is rediculous, and i really can't stand to listen to him speak. his words hurt my ears.

*after church, my family and i were going to have a family day and go to a movie and have fun. to make a very long story short...... i couldn't go with my parents. so they leave, and i am at home by myself with absolutely nothing to do. plus i am frustrated and bitter and grumpy and hating the world and very very confused about church!!!

*so i am pacing my livingroom, trying to decide what to do. for some really really odd reason, i walk over to the bookshelf (prolly because it was the closest hard surface) and hit my hand on it out of frustration. this is very very unchracteristic of me... i never take out my anger on anything physically.... ever!

*this is the part of the story where God taps me on the shoulder (more like hits me over the head) and says "piper! get a grip! stop worrying, you know i am here for you always and i will help you in your time of need." when i hit my hand on the shelf, a book that was laying on top of the others fell off. it was called "prove it: church" by amy welborn. i got this book as a gift a couple years ago and had totally forgotten about it. i have no idea why a book i got so long ago was laying on top of all the other books. but it was a little obvious that i was supposed to read it... considering it has the words "CHURCH" in big black letters on the cover, and that is what i was frustrated about.

*so today, i read the book. i haven't finished it yet... but i'm over half done. it is written by a catholic and in it, she answers questions about the catholic faith that most fundamentalist christians ask. and she talks about aspects of the faith that most fundamentalists hate us for and why the church still holds those beliefs. it is basically an amazing book.... it explains so much i never understood before. and it (for want of a better word) retaliates against fundamentalist beliefs.... basically, it teaches you how to stand up for your faith and answer the types of questions other christians may ask.

*some bad things about the book: welborn kind of brushes over the fact that the catholic church went through a time of corruption. she also sounds smart-assy and almost mean at some points toward fundamentalists and evangelicals... a little too harsh perhaps. her answers and reasoning is very good, but it raised some other questions in my head that go unanswered.

*but the book is a very good start. i knew the basic ideas for some of the answers... but this gives me a much more concrete understanding of the catholic stance on some issues. and i def had some same questions the fundamentalists ask and thought the same way...... but this book may just convince me otherwise. maybe i'm more of a catholic than i thought. *gasp!!* this will def need some deeper digging........

*so i don't really know why, but this book put me in a much better mood. maybe i was just missing theology and breakfast discussions about faith ;)

(i highly highly HIGHLY suggest this book to anyone who wants to know more about things in the catholic faith. it's short and a quick read. the questions it addresses are: Why isn't your church a Bible-only church? why aren't some of your beliefs in the bible? why doesn't your church let you interpret scripture? why does your bible have more books? why aren't you saved? why does your church say you're saved by works? why do you pray to saints? why do you honor mary so much? why does your church have statues? why is the pope infallable? why do you confess to a priest? why do you call your priest 'father?' why do you believe in purgatory?"
be sure if you read this book that you try not to get too angry at welborn's strong stance against fundamentalists and evangelicals....)

help

2007-05-09T15:06:00.000-06:00

so i decided i am going to spend this summer learning. a lot. about the reformed church, calvin, kuyper, and the catholic church. ambitious, i know. my brain may explode before the summer is over.

but i need help. i need some good suggestions for books... preferrably ones that give some basic backround and core beliefs of the reformed church. and i would like to read some kuyper, specifically. i just don't really know where to start with any of this... i began "the transforming vison" and i intend to finish it. but some other stuff would be good too. any suggestions?

tonight, tonight

2007-05-02T23:32:00.000-06:00

tonight, differences in faiths were thrown out the window. God created the trees and [long] grass and flickeringredblue stars and people. isn't that the only real thing that matters?

there were three shooting stars. we are even.

background to the blog (what you need to know)

2007-05-01T14:41:00.000-06:00

*my first year of college is coming to an end. it has been difficult, it has been fun. i can honestly say i have learned more in this single year than i have learned in my entire career as a student.

*i attend Dordt College, a small, liberal arts, Christian Reformed college. sounds normal enough.... except that i am Catholic. before this year, i didn't even know the crc even existed. boy, have i learned a lot.

*throughout this year, i have had to learn the beliefs of a different faith than mine. this has caused me to examine my own personal faith... what do i believe? why do i believe the things i do? i have had to dig deep into not only the beliefs of the crc, but also into those of the catholic faith.

*this year has been difficult, but very rewarding. by critically examining different faiths, i have become much closer to God. it is hard to be one of the only catholics attending a reformed college. i am a marked man... labeled because of stereotypes and close-mindedness of others. at the same time, many people have been remarkably open to listening about my faith, and many people are trying to understand it.

*at first, i considered titling this blog "catholic girl." however, that is not me. i am catholic, but my entire life does not revolve around the catholic religion. there are many things within the catholic faith that i disagree with... i will not reduce myself to labels. the title of this blog is actually the product of one of the most difficult situations i have been in this year:
my theology professor once said something in class that was very offensive to my faith. long story short, he apologized. the next time i had class he approached me after. he looked me in the eyes, gave me a hug and said his wish for me, "I hope you have good faith." this simple phrase has stuck with me ever since and i have made it my personal goal to reach and keep "good faith."

*basically, this blog will be another way for me to analyze faiths and organize my thoughts (and express my frustration, which is frequent). by writing down my feelings, i will hopefully be able to understand more easily how i feel about certain areas of faith. maybe some of my beliefs will change, and that will be exciting to witness in writing.

*i ask that those of you who read this do not critisize my beliefs or thoughts. i apologize ahead of time if i offend anyone in any way... this will be a very honest (and sometimes harsh) blog. these are my raw, honest thoughts and feelings on my faith journey... excitment, confusision, frustration, anger, wonder, awe. hold on tight, here we go.....